When we are confronted with our loved one dying, many emotions are bound to arise. Nearly all the world's religions address the issue of "life" beyond death, although there are differences in their descriptions. But whether we belong to a faith or have no particular faith, some aspect of fear is a common and normal human response. The fact is that we cannot know exactly what our loved one is experiencing, and the unknown is a bit frightening for anyone.
To varying degrees, we all react to fear with a "flight or fight" response. When you first receive news of a loved one's impending death, you may be surprised that you initially struggle to inform others or clear your calendar and make time for visits. Or, you may focus upon medical issues and even become angry that a certain diagnosis wasn't made clearer to your loved one sooner. More difficult emotions may arise, and since we cannot flee from or fight and defeat death, these emotions can be transferred toward other issues in our lives, or even other people.
Family tensions are quite normal in a daily basis. However, these worsen the moment we begin to release pent-up emotions from the situation. An example of a "flight response" is how a family member who is reluctant to stop by for a visit becomes the center of attention. This release of bottled-up emotions can easily shift between "flight" and "fight." A slight issue transcends into a major conflict. The family member, for example, might drop by for a visit, but since he was also dealing with his own "flight response" and came at a later time than most, making himself a recipient of angry stares and comments.
These are part of the "pre-grieving" which is also known as "anticipatory grief" by chaplains, medical staff, and social workers. We must be aware of the hidden fear amongst the different emotions we experience before and during our visits with our loved one. It is necessary that we recognize this fear as a natural response towards a vexing situation. This helps us find a constructive outlet for our pent-up emotions through caring for our loved ones and providing them the most comfortable scenario during their final moments.
As we recognize and set aside the fear we have toward death and dying, we can then realize that our loved one will also have similar, and possibly even stronger, feelings. Our energies can then be directed toward providing them with comfort and reassurance. How we do this largely depends on the nature of our relationship with the dying person as well as their own unique personality. Dying is certainly serious, but it need not be somber. Humor, appropriately applied, can be a powerful way for family and friends to be with their loved one.
In all of this, take your cues from the one who is dying. If they are up to a gentle playfulness, engage them in a story you know they will enjoy, perhaps a well known family faux pas or something silly the newest nephew or niece recently said. Hold their hand, look into their eyes. You, your loved one and surrounding family and friends will discover once again that love is the most powerful emotion we humans have, and that while it cannot change the fact that death is a difficult experience, it can uplift us through those times, leaving us with abiding memories of the last time(s) we were with our loved one.
Author Resource:-
Hear how Chaplain Marilyn Morris helps those whose loved ones are dying. Find out how her stories inform and edify you as you deal with or help others with dying loved ones. This free 45 minute podcast provides wonderfully helpful yet "gentle" insights, ideas & tips. www.DeathDying.org
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